Ok to NOT Be Ok
Even now that I’m at a place where I appreciate and value who the Lord has made me, rather than amidst doubt in my faith and my worth, I’m not always “okay” and have learned that IS okay. For so many years I found comfort in knowing that people only saw the person that could handle all things in all situations. But it wasn’t me, not the true person I was, with all my insecurities, doubts, and fears. If you are curious what true loneliness feels like, this is a surefire way to get there fast. I would keep others from the hurting, longing, and striving that existed beneath the surface of a person who seemed to have got it and never needed anything from anyone. Not only did I have to deal with the weight of my actual struggle, but also added on to it by having to work to act like I was good. In my mind no one could ever know anything other than what I allowed them to see.
What if they saw my weakness and rejected me because of it? Will they think I’m a bad a person or weak? I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems, they are mine to deal with…no one really wants to know what I’m struggling with, they are only being polite.
Trust me I’ve made every excuse in the book to keep my issues hidden from others. I futility tried to hide my struggles from the Lord, who already knows and loves my heart for all that it is even when I’m not able to be okay in the world’s eyes.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like you have to fight battles on your own. I remember a time when I was surrounded by many wonderful people in my life, but never feeling more alone. I just wanted to blurt out and confess all that I had been wrestling with in my doubts over my faith and my battle with an eating disorder. I so badly wanted someone to know that everything is not alright!! But in my mind, they did not need to be burdened with that. They would look at me differently and some may even walk out of my life, so I remained silent, and continued to always appear to be okay.
But the truth is that we are human, we all feel that way at some point. It’s so true that every person you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know anything about. I say that sin is isolating, and it doesn’t have to be the things you automatically think of when you hear a word like that. It boils down to when you don’t see yourself, or maybe someone else, as the way God created us to be. I know for myself a huge amount of pride had to be overcome before I was able to accept not being okay. It was pride that made me assume that I was the only one who could understand or had ever dealt with certain situations, but it was also pride that kept me from risking the respect of my peers to allow them to see me for who I was. I felt exhausted from the amount of effort it caused me and I can never go back because of the freedom that I now understand comes only from living openly the way I was created to and that is the only way for real healing to start.
The truth is NO, I’M NOT ALWAYS OK, sometimes life is the literal worst. But I do always have the hope I need to keep going and an unshakeable identity that allows me to live truly known by my community and those around me.